The Self-Needs

I studied developmentalism. From about 40, until I was well over 50, I had an avid interest in the way we humans grew. What led me to elders, was an aspect of this interest. After the stroke, and its effect upon my consciousness, I theorized that old people had the best chances of reaching the farthest levels of development. I surmised that a longer life, might translate into a life filled with more educative and transformative hardship.

The Elder Salon, was my way to finding out if there was any merit to this idea. Gratefully, now I know there is. But, that isn’t the reason I am writing today. Along the way, I found out, that human self-satisfaction arose out of some simple, and seldom talked about, things. These are things, I think are best shared.

Sometime during graduate school, I read a book, entitled The Adjusted American (1958), that pointed out that America seemed to be caught-up in, what the authors called, a “normal neurosis.” Normal because everyone did it, and neurotic because it never produced the desired outcome. People were caught-up in caring too much about what others thought 

It turns out, that later developmental research (in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s) showed that this tendency is a by-product of early human development. It is a feature of the early desire all humans are born with —the desire to fit in, for survival’s sake.

That was interesting, and accounted for the some of the difficulty that people experienced. But more interesting, was how the book went on to describe basic adjustment needs, that I have learned to consider essential to the well-being of all of us.

There are only three of these needs. They seem very simple, but as you will see, they demand a lot more attention than most of us give them. Ultimately, they are needs we humans have, that we can only fulfill for ourselves. That is what makes them so interesting, and so dicey. Here they are;

1)   A need for an acceptable self-image. One that contains every element of who you consider yourself to be. From the one you are alone, to the one you are with others. This need evolves as you learn things about yourself. If your self-image is inaccurate, you are going to find yourself in a lot of situations you are not really happy about. Inflated or deflated self-image leads to a host of problems.

2)   You also need a self-image that is accurate. Here is where one needs the integrity to be honest with oneself. The accuracy of one’s self-image improves over time, or doesn’t. Whichever is the case, this accuracy will determine how much one can rely on oneself, and how much of oneself one can allow to be seen. 

These two elements are only good if they line up; acceptability without accuracy leads to trouble, conversely accuracy without acceptability can lead to another kind of trouble. Each of these are subject to change, and either can throw one. The strength of each depends on a true reading of both, and that is where the third need comes in.

3)   One needs a sense of self that is verifiable. As a social animal, human beings depend on each other for lots of reasons. The foremost element of these, is the mirroring we provide each other. Sometimes, lifetimes are spent looking for accurate, unbiased, objective mirroring. Diversity can provide many viewpoints at once, all needed, to serve up an accurate take. But, the essential message of this need is that the social dimension of being human is a required aspect of forming an effective self.

Becoming fully human is a difficult task. I have learned it takes all of a human lifetime. I am grateful I have grown old enough to have a sense of this. I am also grateful, that I can now see, that I have always needed me, to fulfill my most essential needs. Life has always been risky, these needs, adequately fulfilled, give me the audacity to risk being myself on this journey.

I hope they serve you as well.