A Holy Symmetry

Many people believe I adopted the name “Lucky” because I survived my stroke and its aftermath. Certainly, I was lucky. But, that wasn’t the reason. Strangely, that entire episode, took me out of myself, and introduced me to a level of reality I probably could not have known otherwise.  I underwent an extreme form of initiation, which launched me into a connected life, one where I experience the length Life goes to grow us. I became “Lucky” when I felt the winds of evolution at my back.

 

Recently, I attended the first meeting of The Ripening Room. I could feel my resistance to being there — I gave voice to it — by saying I didn’t want to be there, because I didn’t want people to see my ugliness. After a day or two, I realized that was not completely true. At least a portion of my resistance was because I didn’t want anyone to see my beauty. I realized The Ripening Room could be a place where ripening was revealed, as much as sought. It could be a place where fullness could be as evident as shortcomings. Suddenly, the holy symmetry, the relationship between Life and we humans, could manifest.

 

I have never been prepared for the change in awareness that befell me after the stroke. As the medical people said, “I was too young to be going through it.” What they couldn’t see, what their instruments didn’t show, was that I was being re-worked. Through a medical crisis a whole lifetime disappeared, and a connected luckiness arrived. Since then, Life’s medicine has been evident in all my moments. Since then, I have known that ripening was happening all the time.

 

So, that is what I want to convey. Every step of the way, Life is preparing us for what is to come. All along, hardships or grace-related events, are happening, and shaping each of us. I am amazed, realizing that Life has been embracing me long before I began embracing Life. I became “Lucky” long before I knew it. 

 

I am not really interested in becoming an evangelist. The real work is Life’s to do. I just want to act more like ripening has already set-in. Yes, I could certainly use more. But, the truth is, that getting older has made ripening all that much clearer to me. I am the beneficiary of a Life force, that pours through this life and enriches my interactions. 

 

I need to re-visualize what I am doing. Ripening, and the holy symmetry, changes my perception of The Ripening Room from a place where one acquires ripeness, to a place where one reveals ripeness. Instead of a sense of scarcity, I envision a feeling of being endowed. Ripeness is suddenly present as potency.

 

I have come to see, that the way I think about self-confrontation, shapes how I see it. If I saw The Ripening Room as a way of showing and experiencing my pathology, it is an undesirable thing — but, if I saw it as a way of demonstrating my wholeness, it is another. I know that the opportunity to demonstrate my wholeness is also true with aging, the ultimate self-confrontation. Thinking maturity is out there waiting for me (perhaps when I die), is far different than perceiving ripening as something already growing as me. I am “Lucky” because ripening is part of who I am.

 

Ripeness has brought us here. The obstacles, and challenges, are simple initiatory ordeals arranged by Mystery to draw out from within what already exists. Ripeness brings one to a place where ripeness can exercise. I can now look forward to getting older as more than an as an ordeal. 

 

The focus upon hardship and attainment, mental, emotional, and spiritual effort, the doing of it, misdirected my thinking. I am a victim of the old way of perceiving things. Ripening is not my power — it happens despite my effort. The best use of my power is to get out of the way, and help nature do its thing. 

 

My luckiness, is what I share with all of you, the joy of knowing what really is within us, what really makes things happen. Ripeness is generating more ripeness. A holy symmetry is at work. Love is purifying Love.

 

 

  

Loss

“Honesty is not the revealing of some foundational truth

 that gives us power over life, or another, or even the self,

 but a robust incarnation into the unknown unfolding vulnerability of existence, 

where we acknowledge how powerless we feel, how little we actually know, 

how afraid we are of not knowing, and how astonished we are 

by the generous measure of loss 

that is conferred upon even the most average life.”    David Whyte

Life asks so much of we humans. Most of it isn’t obvious. But losing is. The ‘generous measure’ seems to fall on us all. The quality of our response to loss ultimately determines the quality of our lives. Tragedy, pathology, heartbreak, disability, violence, death. There are so many ways to experience loss. Some seem like they are indicators of a careless deity, and others, random acts. Each sears into us our unique and totally idiosyncratic character. Loss generates something mysterious. It conveys to us who and what we are. It is the “ask” of Life that centers us in the evolutionary process.

 

Loss is perhaps the most paradoxical gift of all. It shapes us, turning each of us into someone touched, sensitized, directed, disillusioned, empowered and freed. There is a wild ache in the world. Each of us is exposed to it, shaped by it, and sometimes grief-struck. It is part of the way Life christens and certifies us — we are human to the core.

 

Loss is the way gain comes about. The two are linked in some unknown grief-saturated way. Alchemy holds no mystery compared to these two’s relationship. The light shines brightest upon the ground prepared by the darkness of grief and loss. Shoots of newness, and resounding beauty, bear the scars of what has been and now is let go of. Loss opens the way for the new.

 

We live in a human-defined world where loss is primarily seen as tragedy. There are many who labor under the weight of shallowly perceived loss, who cannot imagine the gift they received wrapped in grief. The greatest tragedy is when loss is perceived inaccurately. It still hurts — but it is a strange, seldom-welcome kind of fertility. The Universe has come calling, bringing with it, ineffable possibility.

 

Each of us has to come to terms with what is given to us. Sometimes what looks like a curse is a gift. There is no way of telling in advance. Providence seems to match loss to us very carefully, but we humans don’t get to know about this justice. All we have is this kind of wondering and awe.

 

 

 

  

The Ripening Room

Aging is still controversial. There are those who think it is a kind of natural disaster, the bitter broken end of the story. There is a growing minority who believe that old age holds the key to personal uniqueness and fulfillment. At the moment, amongst other big changes, the traditional view of the latter part of life is undergoing a metamorphosis. The old is becoming new.   

This changing of the fall of Life, is only welcome in some corners. It’s scary. Life has more to offer. It also asks more of us.  The newness arising, is a mixed blessing.  Longer, more complex lives, with less functional bodies, and greater losses, more death of loved ones— all add-up to a challenge like no other. Some would say it is these hardships, that make old age such an undesirable part of life.

 

Others, including this author, see these hardships, as the gifts of later life. They are a part of an initiatory ordeal, that quickens life, and gives it a miraculous magical quality, dignifying and connecting we humans to the processes of Creation. It is when our bodies breakdown, that our spirits become more available to us. There is an awakening, that becomes available as life ripens us. Falling becomes flying. Wrinkles, cellulite, and scars become the signs of a new phase.

 

This transition is handicapped by looking bad, appearing as a kind of demise, a failure to thrive. But that is only what’s happening on the outside. It is what is most visible. Miraculously, something else is happening on the inside. Unseen, and unrecognized, an immaterial capacity is forming. Sensitized by all the losses, an internal being is growing — an invisible wonder is ripening.   Aging is a gateway— a portal into another form of being human—another adaptation to existence.

 

We all know we are living in precarious times. No one knows what is going to happen. Your fantasy is as likely as mine. Still, there is something happening within we humans. I don’t think it has been adequately accounted for. I may not know exactly what it is, but I have noticed that the overall theme of aging seems to be that the old gray mare “ain’t what she used to be.” I think that is true, and I’m offering a new story about what that may mean.

 

Ripening, in my opinion, is happening. I think it is built into us, like a homing instinct, an integrative drive, a natural tendency towards wholeness. Ordeals, hardships, and dilemmas, ripen us, maturing our nature, and growing each of us into our unique selves. All of that development, is part of the ever-expanding Universe, guaranteeing diversity, and making sure that evolution always has something new to create with.

 

The Ripening Room, a new development — is a prayer — designed to emulate and support life. It is a social experiment, a very human attempt to aid what is already alive within us. While the focus will be self-confrontation (watch for your invitation), the truth of the matter is, The Ripening Room will be a place to celebrate what we all have in common, a vital connection with the evolving edge of Creation.

 

Being human is, with all our fragility and limitation, living at the edge, in the ripening zone.

 

 

 

 

The Self Needs

I ran across a book, The Adjusted American (1957), long ago, before I became a therapist, that has had a life-long influence upon me. It simplified my sense of what was important as I grew, and provided me with simple guidelines with which to direct my efforts.  I still find myself thinking of the guidance offered, and the subsequent gifts that came my way. The book provided a lot, from describing a “normal neurosis,” to a simple description of our “self-needs,” which I intend to pass on to you. I find that the later has served me, even as I age beyond so many other forms of guidance.

 

The “self-needs” that Putnam and Putnam put forward were so simple that I remember them today. I feel motivated to pass them along because of a conversation I had with an elder friend of mine. He was nearing another birthday, and he was in the midst of a hard time. The perspective their model offered, was so useful to him, it clarified what could have been a pathological assumption into a normalizing growth pattern. He walked away marveling about his own evolution. We were both happier, and could celebrate his getting older, because we noticed, the ripening still going on within our breaking-down bodies.

 

They posited only three simple self-needs. 1) A self-image that is acceptable. 2) A self-image that is accurate. And lastly, 3) a means of verifying the first two. If one has a self-image that is unacceptable for any reason, or one that is inaccurate, then one gets in all kinds of difficulty. The more accurate and acceptable the better. The more readily one cultivated good relationships with loved ones, family, or community, the more means for verifying the accuracy and acceptability of one’s self-image. All-in-all, a very simple and relational way of looking at one’s self-experience and grasping what’s at stake in any given situation.

 

I have had to go through some significant upgrades to my self-image. The uncertainty of these times in my life have been great. Old age has been in some ways been no different, only slower and more thorough. I’ve always, during such times, adhered to the twin needs. I steered towards acceptability (mine) and accuracy. Community has been my preferred source of verification. The diversity of community has always provided a multi-faceted way of seeing myself. I could bare the times of transition, because I had friends who helped verify my changing image along the way. 

These later years have been the most delicate for me. I keep having recollections, or friends, who help point out that I’m not who I always thought I was. My self-image is going through wild fluctuations. My approaching death has gifted me with greater clarity. I can see the path I’ve been on, and how I’ve sometimes wandered away from it. As a result, my self-image has also grown clearer. The result is, that if I can stand the strain, I get to re-discover who I am, and as importantly, I get to improve my self-image, and thru my community become more who I want to be. What a late life gift!

 

The self-needs have helped me navigate thru some difficult waters. They keep me honest. They help me hold to what is so difficult and so essential. I offer them to you. I hope they can help you like they keep helping me. At the very least, they offer an alternative way of looking at yourself, that isn’t so pathologically oriented. Ripening sometimes means seeing one’s self more clearly. That can be painful. But, invariably, that pain results in increased character. Ripening is a gift of aging.