Onliness

“I am too alone in the world

but not alone enough 

to make each moment holy.”

                                                             Rilk 

I am too alone in the world——The darkness of isolation is spread over the world.  Many people experience it. We, in Western cultures, have a particularly bitter share of it. Loneliness is epidemic. How many deaths, suicides, personal doubts, and how much social emptiness, originates in cut-off and loneliness? As an old person, I have little doubt, that the quality of my life revolves around the amount of real social contact I have. The echoes of a lonely mind form the headwaters where a lot of painful craziness begins. So, the experience of loneliness is a precursor of mental health, an indicator of social status, and a difficult way to come to terms with being human.

Is it really any wonder that solitary confinement is seen as a form of punishment?  Loneliness eats at the well-being of we social animals. Too many of us have grown used to the undermining effects of loneliness. We are punished by our own lifestyle.

The Universe, like our neighborhoods, feels like a lonely place. There is a fragility, a laDck of confidence, a feeling of being misplaced, that comes with the corrosive silence of being alone.  It is hard to be fully, magnificently human, when one is impaled by involuntary aloneness. This is the way the cold can get colder, the emptiness can grow, and personal life can become hollower. Loneliness is like walking death —it raises the specter of pointlessness.

Loneliness is also part of the human condition. It seems to be a secret part, rarely talked about, and avoided like a bad, and too revealing tattoo. Without some of it, though, inner life is impossible. Strangely, Life which is so dependent on relationship, is also so dependent upon loneliness. Whole realms are revealed thru adequate aloneness. It is clearly a complicated thing.

but not alone enough — —Loneliness can kill, so can the lack of aloneness. One’s spiritual health, as Rilke points out, can be jeopardized, without adequate aloneness. As a disabled person, a shut-in, I have experienced a lot of aloneness, of the isolation variety, and while it is deeply painful, it paved the way for an even more powerful solitude. One of the greater gifts of my illness is how it introduces me to my inner life. Isolation becomes solitude, and I experience life anew. Being alone enough now is a prerequisite. 

Aloneness is a double-edged gift, sometimes involving involuntary hurt, sometimes delivering voluntary awareness. Each time it arises, invited or not, one gets a glimpse of our true nature; connected to a greater whole, and uniquely ourselves. Loneliness is a life-long servant of that awareness.

to make each moment holy ——I find myself differing from Rilke a little here. I don’t think we ever have the power to make any moment holy. Each moment is already holy. With the right amount of solitude, or vigilance, the holiness of any given moment can be perceived. We do have things to do, which can render the holiness of a moment palpable, but that holiness exists whether we are aware of it, or not.

Our own holiness can also be brought to awareness. The light within is always there, and the loneliness of solitude, whether it be formal (as in a sitting practice) or informal (as in a walk in Nature), can reveal a whole other perception of Life.

Loneliness can be luminous.

May yours be so!

 

 

 

  

Intentional Suffering

I am beginning to have a new understanding about the role of suffering in my life. I thought I understood, I was a trained psychologist, who had read Carl Jung, and his famous dictum, that “there was no coming to consciousness without suffering.” I grasped suffering like a pet understanding. Life was difficult enough to promote awareness. I was informed, in a somewhat abstract and quite normal way, but it wasn’t until I really suffered the pain and uncertainty of my stroke, and its on-going nature, that I grasped the true nature of suffering.

For me, and many of those who have to endure, the ravages of painful grace, suffering is something far beyond the pedestrian beliefs of mainstream culture. Suffering awakened me, it sensitized, humanized, and enlarged me. So much so, that I now feel that the hardship I experience has grown and enabled me. I’m not as disabled, as I am enabled, by what’s happeningI know the heart of Jung’s dictum, because the suffering that has come to me, has made it clear that a painful yet extremely grace-filled kind of learning can come with it. Amongst my many beliefs, is the knowledge, that my greatest learning, and the most shaping influence in my life, has been the times I was ravaged by the unthinkable. In my book, God can be dark.

Learning suffering can be grace-filled, took time, unsettled me, and released me into the wild. Now, I look at suffering as a gift that can free one’s spirit, not as the curse it always seemed to be. Aging has helped wise me up. Now, I look at suffering as a natural part of the humanization process, as essential as the rest of Life, a gift from the Divine. There is nothing special about it, and it is an opportunity that few get to know the privilege of.

Lately, I have turned to service as a way of experiencing Joy. Oddly, thanks to Gurdjieff’s words, and the hardship associated with helping the truly marginalized, I have discovered another grace-filled aspect of suffering. The will to serve those who live in the shadow of our culture (shut-ins and home-bound people), has introduced me to what Gurdjieff called ‘intentional suffering.’ This is the suffering that comes with advocating for, and caring about, the unformed future.

Strangely, the difficulties that accompany caring for what is so enthusiastically ignored (the shadowy realms), becomes the source of learning, development, and most importantly, joy. Who knew, or would have even guessed, that there are forms of suffering, that are related to Joy. Apparently, Gurdjieff did, and now, so do all of us.

The upshot is, suffering has been given a bad name. It now seems likely that the word on suffering is part of the misinformation indoctrinated into us. It could be, that the most learningful and growth-producing periods of Life, have been the ones that were most disruptive, painful, and liberating. Bruises, scars, disappointments, and losses of all kinds, might just be the signs of being well-loved by the Divine.

Luckily (that is my name after all), this kind of thinking accompanies a good case of brain damage. Everything gets turned over. Life remains a mystery, but one that isn’t what it appears. In this case, suffering is a sign of love.

May it be with you, in the wisest way.