The Self-Needs

I studied developmentalism. From about 40, until I was well over 50, I had an avid interest in the way we humans grew. What led me to elders, was an aspect of this interest. After the stroke, and its effect upon my consciousness, I theorized that old people had the best chances of reaching the farthest levels of development. I surmised that a longer life, might translate into a life filled with more educative and transformative hardship.

The Elder Salon, was my way to finding out if there was any merit to this idea. Gratefully, now I know there is. But, that isn’t the reason I am writing today. Along the way, I found out, that human self-satisfaction arose out of some simple, and seldom talked about, things. These are things, I think are best shared.

Sometime during graduate school, I read a book, entitled The Adjusted American (1958), that pointed out that America seemed to be caught-up in, what the authors called, a “normal neurosis.” Normal because everyone did it, and neurotic because it never produced the desired outcome. People were caught-up in caring too much about what others thought 

It turns out, that later developmental research (in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s) showed that this tendency is a by-product of early human development. It is a feature of the early desire all humans are born with —the desire to fit in, for survival’s sake.

That was interesting, and accounted for the some of the difficulty that people experienced. But more interesting, was how the book went on to describe basic adjustment needs, that I have learned to consider essential to the well-being of all of us.

There are only three of these needs. They seem very simple, but as you will see, they demand a lot more attention than most of us give them. Ultimately, they are needs we humans have, that we can only fulfill for ourselves. That is what makes them so interesting, and so dicey. Here they are;

1)   A need for an acceptable self-image. One that contains every element of who you consider yourself to be. From the one you are alone, to the one you are with others. This need evolves as you learn things about yourself. If your self-image is inaccurate, you are going to find yourself in a lot of situations you are not really happy about. Inflated or deflated self-image leads to a host of problems.

2)   You also need a self-image that is accurate. Here is where one needs the integrity to be honest with oneself. The accuracy of one’s self-image improves over time, or doesn’t. Whichever is the case, this accuracy will determine how much one can rely on oneself, and how much of oneself one can allow to be seen. 

These two elements are only good if they line up; acceptability without accuracy leads to trouble, conversely accuracy without acceptability can lead to another kind of trouble. Each of these are subject to change, and either can throw one. The strength of each depends on a true reading of both, and that is where the third need comes in.

3)   One needs a sense of self that is verifiable. As a social animal, human beings depend on each other for lots of reasons. The foremost element of these, is the mirroring we provide each other. Sometimes, lifetimes are spent looking for accurate, unbiased, objective mirroring. Diversity can provide many viewpoints at once, all needed, to serve up an accurate take. But, the essential message of this need is that the social dimension of being human is a required aspect of forming an effective self.

Becoming fully human is a difficult task. I have learned it takes all of a human lifetime. I am grateful I have grown old enough to have a sense of this. I am also grateful, that I can now see, that I have always needed me, to fulfill my most essential needs. Life has always been risky, these needs, adequately fulfilled, give me the audacity to risk being myself on this journey.

I hope they serve you as well.

 

 

Three Kings

They came from who knows where. Out of the darkness, like royal beings appearing in the night, fully self-possessed, and yet searching. Beautiful and bizarre, they bring expectation, and the knowledge that something is happening. There is a presence about them. They bring promise, fortitude, and a steady gaze. And, they bring it all, into my living room each solstice season.

I’m referring, of course, to the Three Wisemen, known as the Magi. My only Christmas, and Christian, decoration of the season. I have been long influenced by them. And they make their long journey into my living room each year. They come, I think, to remind me, and to refresh my intention. Their journey, through the desert, echoes my own, through the wasteland of commerce and sentimentalism, that governs this time and place. With them, I’m keeping my eyes, and my heart, focused on the light that shines in the darkness.

I’ve been inspired by their tireless journey. By the constancy of their seeking.  I need to be encouraged to persist. There are days when it is hard for me to get-up and face reality. I drag myself to the next moment. It is not a pretty scene, but an all too familiar one. I’ve lost my sense of direction, and my will to move. Then they reappear, carrying the gift they don’t give away— the gift they are. The darkness, becomes once more, the desert I’m traveling through, as I follow the light.

This is the season of darkness. And, it is getting so dark. Everything wears a shadow, portending some coming reckoning. Life seems to have become some kind of enemy. The Earth hurtles toward the unknown. A darkening is upon us.

But the Magi follow the light, and see it brightening even this darkening era. I am heartened by their steadfast demeanor. I go too, with expectation, and the wisdom of the seasons. The light always returns, and ultimately prevails.

We are approaching the Solstice, the darkest time of the year. It is time to celebrate! It is hard to know which is more germane to the moment — the darkness, or the returning light. Both are enriching. Both carry us. The darkness is most feared, carrying as it does, the unknown depths, the aspirations we dare not utter. The light is another matter, brilliant with hope, and sometimes blinding us, overshadowing good sense. All of it so human. We welcome the light, honor the darkness, and cross our fingers. Each of them is so potent.

The three arrive just in time. Who knows what myth originated them, whether they are of totally Christian origin, or of some even more ancient people — because they embody some awed aspect of being human. There is a place in the human spirit where there is a constant trek through bleakness and waste, following a brilliant possibility. The Magi, in that sense, are real. They carry the rich gifts of our heritage. They are ancient activists —keeping the faith — following the best in us. They arrive during this intersection, when darkness and light converge.

Nobody knows what the New Year, the return of the seasons will bring. We are equally blinded — by the darkness, and the returning light. This year will be what it will be. The Magi search through the desert, through our empty culture, through our yearning hearts. Always seeking. Following what has heart, meaning, and possibility.

Let them find you, and I, this year. 

 

 

  

Inner Life

 

      Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination

                                                            Mary Oliver from The Wild Geese

 

There is one grace-filled aspect of aging, that I don’t think has been adequately acknowledged. I want to give it special attention. It is hard to do so, in this world that glorifies surfaces. What I want to focus on usually becomes most evident later on in life. Getting old means a growing awareness of an inner dimension. A shocking, often times slippery, movement in, sometimes adds to the confusion that sets in, when one ages. I believe this movement represents the penultimate development of later life, and is the thrust of ripening, that differentiates our species.

 

Inner life doesn’t manifest in the same way for everybody. It doesn’t manifest at all for some folks. Only the Mystery knows why. But, for others, it can be a revelation, a set of synchronistic events, a strange discomfort, a profoundly troublesome symptom, or an awkward knowing. There is a stirring that can happen at any moment, anywhere, inside or out, that one cannot hide from, and cannot easily appease. Something stirs and awakens, unbidden, and unlike what one might have been led to expect. Some seed of who one really is, germinates.

 

This is a birth that has taken a life-time to happen. This is the part of humanness that has been largely left to religion, because science can’t measure it. Something undefinable happens, a life-time takes on new meaning, and one is freshly revitalized. Old age becomes newly alive.

 

There is a lot of loneliness in later life. One of the hallmarks of this era is isolation. Old folks are left on the trail, to fend for themselves, to pass quietly. This neglect is horrific, but it does serve in one way. There is time to reflect — memory may be gone — but the stamp of existence remains. Reduced stimulation, and demand, enable the fruiting of the seed of inner life. Wrinkled, overwhelmed, and strangely happy, an old person stumbles toward the grave, having fulfilled some inexorable natural demand.

 

Inner life contains a kind of productivity that has been ignored by our materialistic culture. Assuming only that we are what we say we are, is a yoke we have placed on ourselves, thinking we are only valuable in economic terms. Our lives stretch out, beyond reproduction, beyond work viability, beyond even our assumptions about ourselves, to manifest the one capability that is our species alone. We are capable of becoming so much more! Alive in a more fulsome way!

  

Inner life reveals the real pregnancy we are. Partly formed, we are becoming! Becoming what, we don’t know, but the stirring within, the fact it happens later on in a human’s life, shows that something is coming. Something we cannot predict, but with appropriate attention, we can feel and experience. Life, as we know it, is a way-station, a means of moving on. 

 

Inner life can be fickle. Sometimes it is dark, cruel even — revealing what seems worst in us. What stirs is a Mystery. Sometimes unfeelable, something invisible changes everything. As seed carriers we don’t always know what we are carrying 

(or that we are carrying) for the world, but we are bringing forward something essential to the whole. It is an unacknowledged part of being human— a spiritual pregnancy— through which the future is unfolding.