The Devine Gauntlet and Self-regulation

Life hurts. Sometimes, that is for the best. Read further, and I’ll tell you why. It is the hardships and pain that traumatize and haunt us. It is those same things that shape us. I consider these difficulties to be initiating wounds. They always bring great difficulties, throwing us into the abyss, and marking us for life. At the same time, they provide access to a dark and formidable kind of awareness. What disables us also enables us. Black holes are at the center of each galaxy.

As my life has proceeded, my relationship with the unexpected hardships of life has changed. Now, I am older, and see things far differently than when I was younger. Looking back, I can now see, that much of what I formerly thought of as tragic, I now consider, great and difficult lessons. I have been mostly formed through what has been messy, traumatic, and confusingly painful. Certainly, this included my stroke, but before that, there were a myriad of heartaches which sensitized me, and sent my life off in directions I wouldn’t have predicted. It was like I was struck by lightening multiple times.

I found the metaphor of the gauntlet gave me a poignant image, that conveyed the initiating and loving quality of this on-going ordeal. In Native American tradition a gauntlet was an initiatory ordeal that helped the brave mature. One ran through all the warriors lined up and striking the initiate with branches. Running the gauntlet insured pain, helping harden and prepare the initiate for the ordeals of life.

It seems, that is exactly what happens in some people’s lives. Life hits us, over and over again, in the most salient ways, lovingly preparing us. The ordeals shape us, sensitizing and preparing us to serve in the most extraordinary ways. I now think that there is a Divine Gauntlet that trips us up, and sets us on the appropriate course. In this way — to be hurt is to be loved. The most difficult parts of life might just be the ones that teach us the most.

What must it take, to deal a painful blow to those you love, and rely on? I have also seen that this isn’t some abusive or sadistic aspect of the projected Divine.

 I have learned, not only to weather pain, uncertainty, and hardship, but something equally important — the ability to regulate myself. I don’t mean to put myself down, rather, to hold myself steady in the face of headwinds. It has been the difficulties that have revealed to me my strengths and weaknesses. I have no confidence without hardships. Life has supplied me with plenty of opportunities.

Now, I praise the wisdom, that brought me to my knees over and over again. I consider the painful, difficult, disruptive times in my life to be the most important blessings I’ve received. As the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” My newfound strength isn’t muscle, it is awareness.

Life loves us enough, so that it runs us through the mud, besmirches us, and strings us so far out, that there is no return. It has been learning this, knowing that one can be this loved, that has made me Lucky. I share this view with you, to make this possibility yours, if you want it. I know life has more tricks up its sleeve than this one, but the Divine Gauntlet is a real one.

May you find your way of being loved by the Divine. 

 

 

 

  

A “Long-avoided Latency”

I don't know its nature.

I have no term for it.

I cannot see its shape.

 

But, there, inscrutable,

Just underground,

Is the long-avoided latency.

                                       From Seed by William Everson

There are many benefits of getting old. You wouldn’t know it if you just paid attention to what is being said culturally. But, this one, the long-avoided latency, is one of the best, which suffers the most, because it is most easily misperceived.

In truth, this attribute of the powerful integrative force that moves us all towards the finish line, is one that has a paradoxical nature. It can appear in a good news/bad news way. It isn’t one or the other, but both. Frequently, it is seen as either good news, and one misses its dark, illuminating power, or as bad news, where one tries to further avoid the wholing energy it brings. The long-avoided latency is both— a paradoxical call from one’s depths — an indicator of the soul’s longing.

I’m pointing at an attribution that doesn’t come to everyone (wholeness manifests in many forms in different lives), but when it does, it is powerful and cannot be ignored. It can manifest as a dream, a physical symptom, relationship issue, fatigue, depression, or a social difficulty. Ultimately, if one does not appropriately respond, then regret sets in. Organically, one’s life vitale is bubbling to the surface, just in time. The chance to actualize your existence, to become your full miraculous self, is happening while you are alive, and still have time to do something about it. That is part of the good news. Your deepest self, the Great Mystery of who we humans are (which some people call soul), is sending marching orders. That’s the bad news.

Destiny is calling. One doesn’t ever get to know if destiny exalts or eliminates — it marches to a more Universal drumbeat than we are used to. Still, our sense of wholeness rests on the movement of the Cosmos.

Just as a wound, or a great piece of luck, can provoke a way of living, a long-avoided latency alters one’s trajectory. The longed for, even in the deep unconscious, manifests — creating chaos, heartache, and a way home — a home that no one knew was possible before.

I’ve had friends who have been called by something they knew their age couldn’t support. They were drawn into being older, broken by some greater aspiration, and alive in a way that could only be explained by a new level of fulfillment. What has been dormant has suddenly come to life. Aging has brought some new, perhaps old, elixir to the surface.

It might involve suddenly being drawn to a particular musical instrument, like happened to a composer friend of mine. It has awakened a joy that was there, but unexpected. Another man I know had a dream of a favored long dead pet, that re-awakened his longing for emotional closeness. His sense of fulfillment in this life awaits his response to this long-held desire. I write, though I don’t consider myself a writer, because a long-avoided latency grabbed me, from inside, and caused me to sit, reflect, and record. These words come from an unknown dynamism that turned the light on, perhaps planting it with the awakening of life in my mother’s womb.

It could be some seed is awakening within you.

 

 

 

  

Noticing

I was such an oblivious young person. The world revolved around my perceptions, and they weren’t very nuanced. Aging changed all that. Not nearly fast enough. I remember going to grad school when I was in my late thirties still believing the world was like I perceived it to be. It wasn’t until my stroke in my mid-fifties that I began to get a clue about how far off I was. When I realized everything was passing so quickly I began to perceive the world so much more accurately. Still, I had a long way to go. I’ve had to get old enough to be occasionally embarrassed by my age to grasp and begin to believe what I actually noticed. It is when I could take in the real complexity of everyone, and began enjoying the uniqueness of who they were, and could sense the wild profusion that surrounds me, that I began to get that things are not at all what they seemed to be. There is something going on, that I am catching glimpses of — but am somehow only being let in on, if I pay real attention.

Finally, I noticed, that I hadn’t truly noticed much. That is what started me writing the Slow Lane. I attributed much of my failure to notice to speed. No doubt that was partially true. Speed does distort everything. But, I came to grasp that it was my arrogant beliefs, that kept me away from the what melded unpredictability and uncertainty into the world I was living in. Since then, I’ve grasped that I have a lot to unlearn. Instead, of arrogantly trying to fit in, I am now quietly trying to let things come to me. The Mystery is friendly, but requires a deferential presence.

Growing older is certainly a lesson in humility, especially with regard to noticing. Happily, aging has provided me with a kind of ballast that helps me withstand much of the pretense that appears almost everywhere. One of the reasons we older people struggle so much with loneliness and isolation is that many others prefer pretense to what we now are capable of perceiving. Life has some requirements that go way beyond the cultural moment. I’ve grown up, as I grew less and less what I was supposed to be.

I was trained as a psychotherapist. I was supposed to notice some things, mainly what was wrong. But, something happened on the way to a successful career. I noticed what was right. Going from pathology to wholeness, from noticing failure, to noticing courage and success, altered everything, and introduced me to a Universe of possibility. I began to wonder. I noticed other things about Life, that I’d been misinformed about. The stroke, which drove me to the edges of social reality, helped me notice that there was a lot more not known than there was presumably known. I fell into nonconventional noticing. Aging became a romp in an untethered world. What a delight, I noticed the freedom from dreary pretense!

I cannot claim to be fully grown. I simply say “I’m ripening.” But, noticing has developed into awe. I can rarely have an encounter where I don’t come-away with some deep impression. What I perceive isn’t always accurate, but is a lot nearer the mark than before. Plus, now I’m imbued with a more demanding curiosity, that insists I notice the uniqueness of the ones I face. I am always poised for surprise. Noticing has become a kind of passport into the magical-spiritual realms. Lately, I’ve come to believe there is no such thing as a failure to communicate. Aging, has resulted in openness to Life’s impingement.

As I said before it didn’t start out this way. I was granted the same senses as everyone else. I noticed something in the air. I didn’t know it. Life directed my attention. It ran me through a mill I could never imagine. In my case, being reduced to a portion of my former self (something I think happens to all of us, as we age), had the affect of sharpening my attention, and awakening me from the dream I was compellingly lost in. The world took on a glow I couldn’t adequately account for. Sensations bombard me now.

Noticing, now goes beyond my attitudes. I periodically lose heart, I go into a funk where hopelessness assails me, turning me back into a human doing, trying again to earn my salvation. Even when that happens, noticing distracts me. Reverie overtakes me, and I am delivered back into this strange world that always captures my attention. I notice, whether I want to or not.

Sometimes I feel this is a blessing, sometimes not. It doesn’t seem to matter. I end-up noticing stuff anyway. At-the-moment, I think I’m some kind of noticing machine, a flesh and blood probe, sent here by some truly sentient species to gather impressions. In other words, programmed to drink it all in. If it weren’t for my youthful blindness, I might believe that. Instead, it appears, as though aging has made me more aware.  Not just more aware, quantitatively, but qualitatively too. I seem to notice more what matters. Each moment seems to have a patina of meaning.

I can’t get over it. I’m so depressed I’m thrilled. Life keeps running me through the wringer. I’ve become slap happy. Noticing goes on like a nightmarish dream, turning into a warm bath of belonging.  I would be remiss if I said this was the way it is. I’ve noticed how myopic I can be. But, and here is the good/bad news, it goes on anyway. My shortcomings are just more gris for the mill.

Now tell me, how does it play out for you? Have you noticed?

 

 

  

A Social Koan

For years, as a community-builder, marital therapist, and relational man, I’ve had the recurring problem that I am about to describe. Briefly, what I found, in myself, and in all of the others I worked with, was an intolerance for difference. This was so prevalent in relationship everywhere, that I found myself thinking about it a lot. People were so prone to emphasize their similarities with each other, and to fear, hate, and run from differentness. I experienced this over and over. It seemed like this intolerance was a feature of separation.

After years of experiencing it intimately, and witnessing this intolerance in long-term relationships, and in the politics of this nation, I began to view this tendency as a fatal flaw in our relational practices. My thinking about it went so far as to consider this tendency to be impeding the evolution of our species — the problem that hangs over us, and is behind our wars and divorces

As a marital therapist I began my sessions with a new couple by seeing how they related to their differences. There were stages where differing was considered a strength, and others where differing was seen as a threat. How they dealt with differing was often the root of their issue. The things they did to protect themselves from how they differed, were all too often, perceived by their partner as offensive. A relationship would become hollow, dead or dissatisfying, and even violent when they were unable to avoid being different. Irreconcilable differences is the most common explanation for divorce in our culture, and is more commonly the root of dissolution of many unmarried relationships. Differing is unavoidable and dangerous relationally.

You can see the same thing playing out in the political arena. It isn’t just about immigrants, race, gender, or worldview. It is the basic threat that differences pose. We, as a species, are intolerant of those who seem to be different from us. These could be great, or little differences, but in the end these variations lead to disputes, conflict and warfare.

I’ve come to consider this weakness in our species’ make-up, to be such an important one, that it is a kind of developmental dilemma, that is impeding our growth (ie. a social koan). We will never achieve becoming citizens of the Universe, if we cannot get along with ourselves. The things we do to defend ourselves, are not only offensive to others, but eventually threatening to ourselves. The environmental crisis is a good example of our intolerance of otherness, and how we undermine what we ourselves depend on.

This isn’t just an abstract problem that happens occasionally. You can feel its presence in your life right now. Tune into the tensions you feel around the on-going challenge you have being yourself. How different can you be and still be loved?

This mostly unanswered question haunts anyone in relationship, maybe not now, certainly not always, but eventually. It is one of the great uncertainties of our time. Old people are focused upon freedom, particularly the freedom to be themselves. Some of them are able to achieve it, but all have to grapple with an intolerance of differing that is so deep that it makes the joy of uniqueness a real accomplishment. Relationships of all sorts are haunted by the chasm of difference, that makes relationship so rewarding and so damaging.

There is no cure for this intolerance. Diversity, being exposed to lots of difference is helpful, but we have to grow ourselves; our awareness of differences, our ability to handle negative reactions, and our capacity to stay ourselves while engaged with otherness. All of this, calls for a rare maturity — a growth of the self— that also means coming to terms with our own inconsistencies. The mystery of who each of us is, is great enough, to teach us how to deal with what we don’t know, and don’t want to deal with.

The way out of the bind of difference, is through those differences. It takes a rootedness in our mutual dependency, a rootedness that comes more easily to those who bear up, and let themselves be tested by wild profusion of Nature, ours and the unexpected.