A Social Koan

For years, as a community-builder, marital therapist, and relational man, I’ve had the recurring problem that I am about to describe. Briefly, what I found, in myself, and in all of the others I worked with, was an intolerance for difference. This was so prevalent in relationship everywhere, that I found myself thinking about it a lot. People were so prone to emphasize their similarities with each other, and to fear, hate, and run from differentness. I experienced this over and over. It seemed like this intolerance was a feature of separation.

After years of experiencing it intimately, and witnessing this intolerance in long-term relationships, and in the politics of this nation, I began to view this tendency as a fatal flaw in our relational practices. My thinking about it went so far as to consider this tendency to be impeding the evolution of our species — the problem that hangs over us, and is behind our wars and divorces

As a marital therapist I began my sessions with a new couple by seeing how they related to their differences. There were stages where differing was considered a strength, and others where differing was seen as a threat. How they dealt with differing was often the root of their issue. The things they did to protect themselves from how they differed, were all too often, perceived by their partner as offensive. A relationship would become hollow, dead or dissatisfying, and even violent when they were unable to avoid being different. Irreconcilable differences is the most common explanation for divorce in our culture, and is more commonly the root of dissolution of many unmarried relationships. Differing is unavoidable and dangerous relationally.

You can see the same thing playing out in the political arena. It isn’t just about immigrants, race, gender, or worldview. It is the basic threat that differences pose. We, as a species, are intolerant of those who seem to be different from us. These could be great, or little differences, but in the end these variations lead to disputes, conflict and warfare.

I’ve come to consider this weakness in our species’ make-up, to be such an important one, that it is a kind of developmental dilemma, that is impeding our growth (ie. a social koan). We will never achieve becoming citizens of the Universe, if we cannot get along with ourselves. The things we do to defend ourselves, are not only offensive to others, but eventually threatening to ourselves. The environmental crisis is a good example of our intolerance of otherness, and how we undermine what we ourselves depend on.

This isn’t just an abstract problem that happens occasionally. You can feel its presence in your life right now. Tune into the tensions you feel around the on-going challenge you have being yourself. How different can you be and still be loved?

This mostly unanswered question haunts anyone in relationship, maybe not now, certainly not always, but eventually. It is one of the great uncertainties of our time. Old people are focused upon freedom, particularly the freedom to be themselves. Some of them are able to achieve it, but all have to grapple with an intolerance of differing that is so deep that it makes the joy of uniqueness a real accomplishment. Relationships of all sorts are haunted by the chasm of difference, that makes relationship so rewarding and so damaging.

There is no cure for this intolerance. Diversity, being exposed to lots of difference is helpful, but we have to grow ourselves; our awareness of differences, our ability to handle negative reactions, and our capacity to stay ourselves while engaged with otherness. All of this, calls for a rare maturity — a growth of the self— that also means coming to terms with our own inconsistencies. The mystery of who each of us is, is great enough, to teach us how to deal with what we don’t know, and don’t want to deal with.

The way out of the bind of difference, is through those differences. It takes a rootedness in our mutual dependency, a rootedness that comes more easily to those who bear up, and let themselves be tested by wild profusion of Nature, ours and the unexpected.