Dependence

I usually take a kind of perverse pride when I approach a taboo area in these missives. But, not this time. The stigma is just too great. There is an impenetrable field of darkness around this one, a kind of consensus agreement that devastates. It reflects the kind of stubborn injustice that rebounds especially harshly upon all of us. Oddly enough, I want to address a very beautiful part of our human nature, that is treated like a dirty and inarticulate street person. I’m talking about what makes us a social animal — that we occasionally need and depend on each other.

Dependence is a dirty word, an even more branding and socially stigmatizing event. If one is forced to hang out in it for very long (like the diseased and disabled), then all manner of slurs can come one’s way. Self-sufficiency is the coin of the realm, and anything less is highly looked down upon and avoided.  It is as if welfare queens and self-pity are going to swamp the land. Needing is un-American, and for sissies.

So, it is, that our greatest strength, our bond with each other, is de-graded and demeaned. The reality of dependence is so marginalized and scary, that even good souls, like most of us, are drastically unprepared for it when it surely comes. Even the old host this element of ageism. It is the tragedy of the commons we are still perpetrating.

Dependency is actually a good and very heart-warming quality. Sure, it’s reality is misconstrued, but it offers a real chance that one can feel truly loved as one is. There is nothing like a warm hand on the brow. Most of us are so busy maintaining our pretense of wholeness, that we totally miss the wholeness we make because we actually need each other.

In more confident times, I used to think of myself as the ambassador of need. But lately, I have been worn down, more psychically-disabled by the social environment that views neediness like cooties. There is a naïve child-like viciousness that rules the land. Needing, in any form, is an insult that threatens our way of life. Sadly, most of us, without really thinking about it, apologize for being human, and further participate in the unraveling of human community. Meanwhile, the environment, and those who live on the outskirts, suffer more, and sink more thoroughly into our calloused ignorance.

Depending is not a sin, although it is often treated like one. The reality of those who depend is not inherently parasitic. We who depend are not a burden — we are an opportunity to care. To that extent asking for help is giving a gift.  The real burden is the uncaring world of mistrust that prevails today.

Dependency is actually a doorway into the world of connection. It is an engraved invitation. Falling into need is kindness, it provides access to a kinder, more loving world. Most of us shrink from the opportunity, fearing the worst, and avoiding marginality.

We aren’t being taught to be compassionate for strictly or own soul’s sake, but because we thrive best, in a world where compassion is present.

Falling, becoming less than we once were, is a human trait. It is a fate we all share. Inevitably, more than gravity takes us down. That too, is a gift of Life. One we can be sure of. Life, to make more Life, to actually evolve the whole thing, depends on an inevitable descent. Depending is part of the way. Let’s get better at honoring this feature of our existence.

Let’s let our hearts be broken open for each other, and for ourselves, because in doing so, the world becomes a more caring place.