Intentional Suffering

I am beginning to have a new understanding about the role of suffering in my life. I thought I understood, I was a trained psychologist, who had read Carl Jung, and his famous dictum, that “there was no coming to consciousness without suffering.” I grasped suffering like a pet understanding. Life was difficult enough to promote awareness. I was informed, in a somewhat abstract and quite normal way, but it wasn’t until I really suffered the pain and uncertainty of my stroke, and its on-going nature, that I grasped the true nature of suffering.

For me, and many of those who have to endure, the ravages of painful grace, suffering is something far beyond the pedestrian beliefs of mainstream culture. Suffering awakened me, it sensitized, humanized, and enlarged me. So much so, that I now feel that the hardship I experience has grown and enabled me. I’m not as disabled, as I am enabled, by what’s happeningI know the heart of Jung’s dictum, because the suffering that has come to me, has made it clear that a painful yet extremely grace-filled kind of learning can come with it. Amongst my many beliefs, is the knowledge, that my greatest learning, and the most shaping influence in my life, has been the times I was ravaged by the unthinkable. In my book, God can be dark.

Learning suffering can be grace-filled, took time, unsettled me, and released me into the wild. Now, I look at suffering as a gift that can free one’s spirit, not as the curse it always seemed to be. Aging has helped wise me up. Now, I look at suffering as a natural part of the humanization process, as essential as the rest of Life, a gift from the Divine. There is nothing special about it, and it is an opportunity that few get to know the privilege of.

Lately, I have turned to service as a way of experiencing Joy. Oddly, thanks to Gurdjieff’s words, and the hardship associated with helping the truly marginalized, I have discovered another grace-filled aspect of suffering. The will to serve those who live in the shadow of our culture (shut-ins and home-bound people), has introduced me to what Gurdjieff called ‘intentional suffering.’ This is the suffering that comes with advocating for, and caring about, the unformed future.

Strangely, the difficulties that accompany caring for what is so enthusiastically ignored (the shadowy realms), becomes the source of learning, development, and most importantly, joy. Who knew, or would have even guessed, that there are forms of suffering, that are related to Joy. Apparently, Gurdjieff did, and now, so do all of us.

The upshot is, suffering has been given a bad name. It now seems likely that the word on suffering is part of the misinformation indoctrinated into us. It could be, that the most learningful and growth-producing periods of Life, have been the ones that were most disruptive, painful, and liberating. Bruises, scars, disappointments, and losses of all kinds, might just be the signs of being well-loved by the Divine.

Luckily (that is my name after all), this kind of thinking accompanies a good case of brain damage. Everything gets turned over. Life remains a mystery, but one that isn’t what it appears. In this case, suffering is a sign of love.

May it be with you, in the wisest way.