Performing

One of the developmental achievements of old age is, what I refer to as, “escaping the gravitational pull of mass mind,” that is, getting away from being a cultural agent. A lot of energy goes into the effort to be genuine, to no longer be trapped by the values of convention. Old people in particular are motivated by a desire to be free, they don’t want to be captured by the conforming power of the system. The uniqueness of each of us, can be washed out of us, by our own desire to fit in. It is an especially human dilemma.

The effort to overcome conditioning is undermined by how good a repertoire of hiding one has developed. Or, how much your loved ones matter to you. To get by, one learns to perform. Getting good at knowing how to perform, how to respond to all situations with just the right way of being, that allows one to stay within the margins of acceptability.

 Behavior is one of the ways we show our identity papers. One is in the in-crowd if one can perform all the secret handshakes. After a lifetime of doing it, a mantle of normalcy hardens into place, and normalcy becomes routine.

Living outside the boundary of normalcy, out in the hinterlands of authenticity is hard, sometimes dangerous, and often painful. When humans get older, they are forced into the weeds at the margins. This is when the play between conformity and authenticity gets really interesting and dicey. Those who have not already developed a capacity for self-hood begin to feel trapped. And those who have —become avidly interested in tasting freedom before it’s too late — suffer ignominy.

Dying free and authentic is a deeply human value, that goes beyond the messages of comformity, that remain the pablum of the masses.

The struggle for the freedom to be oneself is rooted in the desire to be free of the constraints of passing, popularity, or marginality. As a human it is painful to be the subject of prejudice, invisibility, and misperception, and for some, it is equally painful, to live captive within social orthodoxy. Aging is hard, precisely because the urge to be free, runs one up against how unfree one has been. Throwing off the voluntary shackles one has assumed is challenging, enough so, that it can take a lifetime. Being old prompts that kind of awareness, necessitates change, and moves one dramatically into a minority position. The headwinds are greatest when the heart starts awakening.

Going beyond social conditioning requires an ardent drive. One that has to bear the humiliation that comes with failing repeatedly. Failing to be free happens a lot more than being authentic. Think about it, even the normal greeting, “How are     you?”  is laden with the challenge, are you one of us, or are you a wild unknown being? What passes for normal discourse can be loaded with stern messages about where the line is. The temptation is always pressing.

The urge to perform is always present. The better you have been at it — makes it all that more beguiling. Fitting in is so important to us humans, and being ourselves is becoming even more important. We don’t yet live in a world where both are acceptable, but if old people truly acquire freedom, the rest of us could. Meanwhile performing will go on, and authenticity will remain a desire that grows more pressing as we age.

Freedom isn’t free. Working on ourselves isn’t really work — it’s harder. And, growing more mature isn’t always welcome. Being human in a world of contradictions is a vulnerable opportunity. Performing in these circumstances is a hair-raising experience, one made for an exquisitely rare being.