Friendship

Isolation is everyone’s problem. It makes believing in a made-up reality deriguer. Conspiracy theories about others are easy to believe, when you don’t know any others. Humans fail to thrive when they are not touched enough, when they lack meaningful and loving connections. When loneliness prevails, then a whole society can fail to thrive. The lonely stories of neglected old people are our stories, they drive us deeper into believing each of us is unimportant. I’ve heard many such stories, and have come to see the art of friendship as being essential to life in today’s social madness. It is an art form that has been too much neglected and insufficiently talked about. Connecting with another, makes feeling connected an important, life-saving reality.

Friendship is one of the true things, it cannot be bought. Everyone can do something to respond to the uncertainty of these times. Uniting with another is one form of self-preservation. It goes against the cultural grain, letting another be as important to you as you are to yourself. Lay yourself on the altar of your friendships, because that is the place where you are going to discover who you truly are.

Friendship is elusive in this busy commercial world where most people are on the move being wage slaves, having little, or no time, for personal moments. The ties that bind can be very loose, when they depend on shared work, commutes, and workout clubs. Bars provide a distorted form of social club. Retirement throws people out of the social-commercial rat race leaving them unsupported, beyond others, and drifting into the hands of social entrepreneurs. True friendship doesn’t follow all the commercial currents, it only concerns itself with the tide of connection. Social love provides an antidote to the isolated loneliness that is so characteristic of our times.

Friendship is an art form that has almost gone away. Few have the quality and quantity of friends to make it through the gauntlet of challenges that face us today. It is as if the importance of being human has gone the way of Dodo birds. We all suffer when that is true. The light dims. People wander, feeling unknown, and like they don’t matter.

Fortunately, this is something we can do something about. It doesn’t even take that much courage. All we have to do is listen, admire, and recognize. Also, making some time to hang out. The ability to be a friend is hardwired into we social animals — it is like falling off a log. No matter how our training for the economy has proceeded, no matter how shy we are, no matter how old we are, the bonds of friendship are available. All we have to do is reach out. All we have to do is let another know that the desire for connection is present.

Good friendship relies upon periodic moments of intimacy. These moments, when one goes beyond oneself, are like food.  They feed connection, meaning, and trust. They have the effect of nourishing the soul.  But, they require a little more. Friendship then becomes a practice field where new aspects of oneself can be tried out. Conversations that one has never had, revealing something new about oneself or our shared humanity, bring us closer to each other. Friends can provide solace. There is no more comforting feeling than knowing a friend has your back. Physical safety and emotional support are parts of the art of friendship.

There is something ineffable about certain friendships. Some form of synergy arises that makes an invisible relationship more. It becomes something magical, possessing and turning distance, time, and memory into a lasting unity, a special miracle of love. Siamese twins are not closer. That which cannot be named dances in the between, illuminating possibilities.  

It is relatively easy to find words that extoll friendship. They positively drip with warmth, contact and compassionate loving. Harder, is the effort that brings on the kind of affiliation that touches us with reassurance. The outside validation that friendship brings is precious. It isn’t part of what is available in our normal exchanges. We have to make it through life mostly by ourselves, so the honest feedback that friends can offer is a marker buoy, helping and revealing the unique path each of us is unfolding. Friendship makes the Universe warmer, companionable and hospitable.  The relational engagement that characterizes a friendship models the expectant attitude that best prepares us to meet the unknown.

Old friends are the best, and the most necessary. Reminiscences have power, but not like the shared power of combined memories.  There is something so gratifying about the welcome of someone you have known for a while. Calmness can set-in, and belonging melts anticipation, relaxing one.  Knowing the love of a friend translates into well-being.  The Universe, through this other, loves you.

So, why is it so hard to make time for friends? Besides the fact that genuine friendship is not commercially valuable and takes time, there is the fact that friends don’t grow on trees. Befriending someone is an iffy proposition. It takes a certain amount of self-revelation — a desire to be known. Most of us are prone to eschew friendship because of that possibility. We humans are also prone to be judgmental. We would rather fight with another, than with ourselves. Friendship rests on a paradox— it is the relationship where one gets to know oneself, as you are letting yourself be known.  If one doesn’t have time for oneself, then one seldom has time for a friend. It is very possible to find someone who shields themselves, and thus you, from reality. They, however, are not really a friend. They are the way one maintains pretense. That’s all.

Friendship is an exacting art form. The more of you that you put into it, the more you get out of it. Even more paradoxically, the more you try to get out of it, the more you miss what’s really there. You only have this moment; there is a special kind of grace, that comes with sharing it.