The Self Needs

I ran across a book, The Adjusted American (1957), long ago, before I became a therapist, that has had a life-long influence upon me. It simplified my sense of what was important as I grew, and provided me with simple guidelines with which to direct my efforts.  I still find myself thinking of the guidance offered, and the subsequent gifts that came my way. The book provided a lot, from describing a “normal neurosis,” to a simple description of our “self-needs,” which I intend to pass on to you. I find that the later has served me, even as I age beyond so many other forms of guidance.

 

The “self-needs” that Putnam and Putnam put forward were so simple that I remember them today. I feel motivated to pass them along because of a conversation I had with an elder friend of mine. He was nearing another birthday, and he was in the midst of a hard time. The perspective their model offered, was so useful to him, it clarified what could have been a pathological assumption into a normalizing growth pattern. He walked away marveling about his own evolution. We were both happier, and could celebrate his getting older, because we noticed, the ripening still going on within our breaking-down bodies.

 

They posited only three simple self-needs. 1) A self-image that is acceptable. 2) A self-image that is accurate. And lastly, 3) a means of verifying the first two. If one has a self-image that is unacceptable for any reason, or one that is inaccurate, then one gets in all kinds of difficulty. The more accurate and acceptable the better. The more readily one cultivated good relationships with loved ones, family, or community, the more means for verifying the accuracy and acceptability of one’s self-image. All-in-all, a very simple and relational way of looking at one’s self-experience and grasping what’s at stake in any given situation.

 

I have had to go through some significant upgrades to my self-image. The uncertainty of these times in my life have been great. Old age has been in some ways been no different, only slower and more thorough. I’ve always, during such times, adhered to the twin needs. I steered towards acceptability (mine) and accuracy. Community has been my preferred source of verification. The diversity of community has always provided a multi-faceted way of seeing myself. I could bare the times of transition, because I had friends who helped verify my changing image along the way. 

These later years have been the most delicate for me. I keep having recollections, or friends, who help point out that I’m not who I always thought I was. My self-image is going through wild fluctuations. My approaching death has gifted me with greater clarity. I can see the path I’ve been on, and how I’ve sometimes wandered away from it. As a result, my self-image has also grown clearer. The result is, that if I can stand the strain, I get to re-discover who I am, and as importantly, I get to improve my self-image, and thru my community become more who I want to be. What a late life gift!

 

The self-needs have helped me navigate thru some difficult waters. They keep me honest. They help me hold to what is so difficult and so essential. I offer them to you. I hope they can help you like they keep helping me. At the very least, they offer an alternative way of looking at yourself, that isn’t so pathologically oriented. Ripening sometimes means seeing one’s self more clearly. That can be painful. But, invariably, that pain results in increased character. Ripening is a gift of aging.