Independence/Dependence

Lately, I’ve been hearing the fear many people express about having no choice and becoming dependent upon others. I hear the anxiety about a loss of freedom, that nearly always accompanies the concern about relying upon, and “burdening,” others. Sitting in my wheelchair hearing this arouses me. I think about how long I’ve been utterly dependent upon others, and how that has enriched my life (and theirs). I think about how little people know about taking care of themselves, in relationship, and how they are missing out, on experiencing our shared human wealth. All of this, touches me with a special gratitude, and a deep grief.  So I feel moved to write, about the complex miracle, of our togetherness with each other (and all of Life).

There is something I KNOW that, I didn’t know I knew, until I went through the changes thrust on me by the stroke and its aftermath. As a result, I KNOW just how complex human existence truly is, and I believe this KNOWING is what makes me Lucky, reduces my fear of death, and allows me to relish my dependence. I want to share this, because I KNOW that others know it too, and don’t KNOW they do. This is, I believe, a secret that keeps itself.

We humans suffer from not KNOWING what we know. For instance, we each know (secretly, at least) how unique we are. I know I have spent a lot of my life-energy preserving my uniqueness, even though it often meant I knew I didn’t fit in. I didn’t know fully, just how unique I am. I thought it was my own peculiarity, perhaps a flaw in my makeup, or perhaps some desire for specialness that I narcissistically liked, and that doomed me to a life of loneliness. I knew I was unique, but I didn’t KNOW I was designed by Life to be. Thus my uniqueness, the gift I am, has been a source of a lot of fear, relationship pain, confused heartache and depression.

Similarly, I suffered because belonging has been an issue all my life. I’ve tried many things, to make myself acceptable, to fit in, to be loved, to be someone who belonged.

I was apparently born with some kind of homing instinct, which told me that my family, church, job, partnership, or society really didn’t know and care about me. I simply didn’t belong, as me. I knew I wanted to fit, but didn’t KNOW I did until recently.

The secret that seems to keep itself, was revealed to me when I nearly died. Until then, I kind of abstractly knew that I was intrigued, by wanting to be myself, and to fit in. During the time when I was being held on the doorstep of death, I came to see two things; my life was Life’s life, and I was paradoxically a whole and a part. Then, I came to KNOW that I am a holon (see “The Story Of The Holon,” chapter 4, of Embracing Life), a paradoxical aspect of the Universe, that is both uniquely whole, and simultaneously, a part of the whole, a thread in the fabric of everything. I am of service to it all, because I am what I was created to be — me — and, larger, an aspect of it all.

This kind of KNOWING, I now notice is latent in everyone. People don’t seem to fully KNOW what they know, but they seem to be instinctively headed toward KNOWING. I also have come to associate my dawning capacity for paradoxical awareness, to my realization that I (and others) am paradoxical. I see how I can be both independent (a unique whole) and dependent (a part of the larger whole) at once.  I don’t give up being me, when I am connected, in fact, I am most me, because I am connected.

Why does this secret keep itself so hidden away inside? Why do most of us know, even though we don’t KNOW? I can only speculate. I think that this semi-knowing is, in part, a cultural artifact, a result of growing up in a cultural reality that doesn’t itself KNOW, and that functions as if connection doesn’t exist. I think cultures tend to get away with this kind of skew, because they aren’t really ripe. I think age, and especially maturity, are more likely to bring this aspect of the complexity of reality into better focus. Many of our current cultures focus elsewhere, maintaining the illusion of separateness, and lack developing the necessary clarity of vision that perceives how connected humanity actually is.

For me now, knowing is somewhat abstract — it is like hearing about something — while KNOWING is experiential, based on something one has experienced. In the age of information seeming like knowledge, and often posing as such, experience is, to me the real teacher. So I KNOW that I can maintain the important part of my independence, while I am dependent. I’ve been doing it!

I recommend that others do the same. This is also an invitation into community, where one can make real and palpable the condition we are always in — whole unto ourselves, unique and free — AND — a part of it all, an integral aspect of the larger whole. As far as I can tell, the Universe thrives on as much Unity and Diversity as possible. That pulls us toward both —  people develop because they, KNOW it or not, are always trying to balance these twins.