In The Deep

I used to think I knew who I was, and where I was, now I know better. I’ve had awhile to discover that very little is what I think it is. Getting older has introduced me to Mystery and I’ve found myself in the deep.

Somehow, I went down the rabbit hole, and now everything is topsy-turvy and unfamiliar. The world I woke-up in, is not the world I’m occupying at this minute. The hallucinogens I used in the past, don’t compare to the depth of distortion I’m now experiencing. And, I haven’t taken anything, but I am in the deep.

All my life I’ve been treading unknowing, trying to keep my head above the surface. I managed, or so the delusion went, until I collapsed from fatigue. There is no rest for the existing — in the deep.

Tumbling seems to be the most real part of my experience. I am adrift in a soupy darkness. There is no day or night, or they are both the same — some form of blindness has set in. Distinctions have no lasting value, in the deep.

Journeying isn’t a good metaphor anymore. There is no place to go, no form of movement, no discernable here or there. Life seems like an endless moment, an eternity of sameness. In the deep, one swims aimlessly, and gets nowhere.

The deep is neither warm nor cold, comfortable or uncomfortable, familiar or even unknown. It just is. I could say, “I sank into it,” but it has always been my home. I simply am in the deep.

I’d like to put my life back together again, but I no longer possess the illusory belief that would seem to make it so. I am weightless, waiting for I don’t know what.  A mirage to myself. I am some part of the deep.

Strangely, I don’t feel alone. In the deep there is presence. I can’t explain it, but I know that I’m being held — hostage or latency, I don’t know. The uniformity of all I know mesmerizes me, delivering me to a calmer darkness. I am swallowed in the deep. 

All my living has come to this.  The many shores I thought I inhabited were here all along. I have come to be where I have always been.  I am floating, or is it sinking?  I really don’t know, no sensation gives away any orientation, in the deep.

I am not happy, or sad. I don’t have a feeling of resoluteness, or failure, rather a kind of elated weariness. I have labored hard to find myself here. No more will I go down or up. In some strange fashion, I seem to be the Universe expanding without moving. Anyway, all I know is that it’s all happening, without happening, in the deep.

Is there somewhere the Universe is expanding into?  Into the deep.