Drive-by Intimacy

A friend of mine shared this term with me. She was trying to express her dismay about a common phenomenon — the cultivated closeness, that emerges in certain kinds of contexts. She has grown tired of a kind of sharing that lacks enduring connective power. It is intimate, often rich with detail and feeling, but misses the most important attribute, which for her, I understood to be a lasting significance, an on-going relationship.

I thought she made a really interesting observation. One, that is highly relevant to those of us suffering from more than our fair share of isolation. I, too, am tired of being in emotionally rich and intense environments, mainly a variety of groups, where sharing and caring only seems to last for the duration of the group. Important connections dissolve thereafter, and relationship seems to disappear until the next meeting.  This breeds a strange brew —a painful combination of love and lovelessness.

I’ve found that the isolation I endure as a single old disabled man is heightened by this kind of pseudo-intimacy. My particular form of loneliness deepens, and I feel more like I am a cast-off witness, like I am being used. That is especially corrosive. My being aches with a strangely tormented sense of emptiness. I feel more like a neglected shut-in.

As an older person, living in a culture where being ignored is all too common, I don’t expect much real connection. Drive-by intimacy can seem like it’s better than no intimacy at all. But, I’m discovering it only serves to make me hungry — because I’m more malnourished — than I was before. Drive-by intimacy takes energy from me, and leaves me feeling full (briefly), while it is emptying out my reserves. I am diminished by it.

Now I could turn this missive into a long complaint about the rigors of isolation in old age, but I’m not very interested in cultural insensitivity. Instead, I’m much more interested in empowering myself (and anyone) to respond to the challenges associated with being in this culture-time. What actions can I take to increase my sense of connection, and weave together a more satisfying social life? How can I take greater responsibility for my situation?

These are the questions that hold promise for me. Yes, they call me to action, to going beyond the norms set for we old people, but living this long has thrust me into an unprecedented situation. I am still alive, with hungers (particularly relationship ones) that I want filled. Internally, there is pressure growing. I can turn bitter, or I can do something about it.

What is that something? Well, for a start, I can stop participating in drive-by intimacy, not by curtailing group life, but by using it better. I can show-up more, demand more real connection, reach out to others beyond group time, valuing others like never before, using any means to convey what matters, including the phone, email, and whatever new options that are available. I can make more of my face-to-face opportunities. How about I make isolation the thing I creatively respond to.

There is another thing, a less obvious option. I can use my moments alone better.

I’m savvy enough to have noticed, that when I know myself more thoroughly, especially when I’m liking myself better, I am more likely to be myself publicly. I fill up my space, and I connect more readily. Time with me could be better spent — as I connect better internally— I connect better with others too. 

I would like the kind of drive-by intimacy — that I, as an old disabled person get to participate in — to be more real and lasting. I want it to be more like a drive-by shooting, something memorable, that leaves marks and changes things. I don’t plan on leaving a gravestone, but I do want to leave an impression. I’d like it to be upon my brothers and sisters. You, for instance. You, know what I’m driving at.