Grief

The way of things brings me to this topic. It occurs to me that living in a social sphere where grief isn’t present all of the time is like living in an artificial bubble. The air lacks something. And my eyes too easily adjust to an environment that misses much of what makes me most human. I’d much rather suffer the pain of grief and loss, then suffer the disabling (blinding) effect of being cut-off from a key element of Creation.

Grief isn’t very pretty, and it definitely doesn’t get me invited to many parties, or social gatherings for that matter, but it does balance the scales, providing a sobering experience that puts Life into perspective. In this season where climate change has become explicit, I cannot help but wonder how much hurting is coming about because grief has not been part of our social climate. Letting the salving effects of grief into my life, has been one of the best things I’ve done for myself, my community and environment. The anguish I feel, and express, connects me so to the larger things my life so depends on.

I have been blessed by the work of Stephen Jenkinson. There are many things he says that I don’t agree with, but I think he really has a lot to offer when it comes to grief. For instance Stephen correctly (in my estimation) points out that grief is much more than a feeling. His point is that a person has to do something with it. Much that is troublesome about it resides in unexpressed grief. Doing something about it not only heals the hurt inside, but heals the world outside too. I don’t mean to say that there is something inherently spiritual about expressing grief (that is my experience), but here I am referring to all the many levels of hurting going on in any given moment. Grieving gives reference to all that hurts about life.

There is plenty of hurting to go around. Many people believe it shouldn’t be added to by anyone’s grief. Some folks think grief should be hidden a way. They see it as purely personal. I do not. When I, or someone near me opens up, and lets the hurts of Life be expressed then I begin to notice my connection with everything else in Life. Grief that expresses the sheer difficulty and pain of being human bonds me to others, and to the existence we share. Grief then has an effect that is like rain on the parched earth.

I don’t want to just talk about it.  The words cannot adequately express the emotional experience beneath them, but they open a door. For me, the more my awareness has expanded, the more grief I feel. My grief starts with personal failures, the spouses I failed to love, the heartaches I caused other women. The many painful errors associated with parenting. The insensitivities I heaped on friends and family. The many poses I maintained throughout my life to fool those around me (or myself). I have only been so accessible. I simply couldn’t understand myself, or others. There is so much I didn’t see on time.

Then right on the heels of my personal choices comes the equally bitter realization that all of my stupidity and bad behavior has abetted the bigger painfulness of Life. I am caught up in the destructiveness of Creation. I am the instrument of so much loss. I am involved in a seething sea of transformation. I have no choice about how much I fail to grasp. I live by eating other living things. I am wracked by change and changelessness.

None of this latter heartache is my fault it is simply the fee I pay for existing. I’m savvy enough to really get the dark side of Life, and even better to grasp how pain and difficulty serve Creation. So for me, grieving is honoring the complex and paradoxical nature of this existence. It is living with heartbreak. Anticipating the miraculous twist. Opening myself is a deliberate act of affirmation. It may come with breath-rendering sobs and tears, but that is only because my body knows no better way to hold the beauty of what I find myself involved in. I am smitten, torn, elated, frightened and awed.

My life is part of what I do with the grief I experience. I can’t help that. But how I carry it — I do have some choice about that. Carrying it more openly, being perpetually broken-down by it, connects me with the incredible symphony of Life, and lets me feel right at home with you.