Crumple Zone

A few days ago my honey was in a car wreck. Luckily, she was unhurt. Her car was totaled. The accident, her reaction to it, and the response of her community, all revealed to me a lot about resilience that I want to pass on in this piece. There is nothing like the care that was present at all of these levels. The world hurts from the absence of this kind of caring, and is far less hospitable and resilient, because humans are so caught up in the wrong kind of pursuits. I was amazed to see how much emotional connection and maturity make a difference. I saw an accident that would have knocked most people out of the box, that would throw a blanket on their best laid plans, and this would-be trauma, instead became an affirmation of the importance of emotional connection.

Car manufacturers have grown a great deal more safety conscious over the recent years. They have gone so far, as to have engineered vehicle designs that include features that protect occupants. This has aided drivers and passengers enormously. No doubt, this kind of planning made a real difference in the situation of my sweetie. The car crumpled in a designed way, the airbags deployed, and she walked away, a 75 year-old woman intact, and only shaken. Her story could have been defined (for days) by the accident, but instead, it has been determined by her reaction, and the response of those she is connected with. The crumple zone was extended by a lot of grown-up hearts.

The car behaved fabulously. It is wrecked, but it converted the energy of collision into twisted metal, rather than mangled flesh. Even as it passed into a useless form it performed well. It is fair to say it did what it is supposed to do; it gave its life for my honey. I am extremely grateful to all who have made this a reality. She survived the wreck because of the car’s design, but she grew through the aftermath, because of resilience built into human connection.

She had a bigger part in what played out than just being the passive victim of an accident. As a result of her age, and especially her maturity, she was able to complete her intended journey despite the surprise collision. As she put it, her intended life was more important than any “drama” (by that I think she means, emotional reaction) that the accident produced. She had the internal wherewithal to focus upon her desire, rather than be subject to the emotional shock that such a circumstance was likely to arouse. She held herself together, and overcame what could have been a messy loss of equanimity, by relying on her desire, and savvy about herself. In other words, she could have fallen a part, after a circumstance that would have warranted it, but didn’t, because she didn’t have to. She was solid enough to be who she wanted to be. She had her own crumple zone.

Aiding her was her community. Another level of the crumple zone that protected her, were the relationships that surrounded her. In this case, she was connected with folks that were concerned about her — and knew her well enough — to let her define her own experience; no one freaked out, they merely supported her. This allowed an unfortunate collision to become a binding agent that served her and her loved ones. The accident had a dual role, it affirmed her self-solidity, and increased the bonds that defined her community. She felt cared for in a very personal and specific way, and those that cared, got to be involved. A destabilizing event turned into a resilient collective response. Connection not only held, but was confirmed by misfortune.

As a community-builder, as someone who regularly praises the role of caring, it is heartening to experience just how much resilience lies in our responses to each other during the misfortunes of life. I know, that this relatively painless event, has been only relatively painless, because of the quality of caring that it entailed. My sweetie’s self-love was important, and that was abetted by the love of those involved.  This event is some of the best evidence that the ties that matter, exist primarily in the heart.

The auto companies can’t engineer that, no city or neighborhood can either, because the crumple zone is only as capable of handling shock as we the people are. We need each other. (Today, and most likely, in the future.)  The only way to insure this protection, is through growing — our hearts, spirits, and most importantly, our emotional connections with one another.