Trust

I have trust issues, a lot of them. They seem to pop up everywhere I am in contact with other people. I haven’t really talked about this much. But, I know that these issues color my social world. What’s worse, and makes it much harder, is the fact that I’m not alone.

There seems to be trust issues everywhere. I would guess you probably have some too. So, I’m going to try to explore my trust issues. While that is happening I’m making a request of you. Identify what might be your own trust issues. I don’t know what you might want to do with them, but realize, as I am, that social reality, what’s possible between human beings, is limited and defined by them.

I have trust issues. I’ve been hurt by other human beings. I’ve hurt myself with them. In fact, social reality teems with hurtful mistrust. Everywhere I go, I seem to meet distrust, my own or somebody else’s. The level of social distrust is so high that being a gun totin’ society seems to make sense. I don’t like it, but I understand it. I live in a world where distrust is ubiquitous. The water I swim in, the connections I share in, seems to be contaminated by mistrust. Social reality contains more distrust than I can handle.

I’ve grown up in this world, and I’ve almost never heard this dimension of social life adequately addressed. I’ve been exposed to the golden rule and lots of moral aphorisms that seem to apply, but they don’t really get down to how to deal with this part of social reality. I’ve heard a kind of economic analysis. The banks won’t lend, small businesses won’t hire, capital won’t flow, if there is sufficient distrust. It appears that the economy is broken, because trust is in short supply. I could go on to the housing and labor markets, or point at the Congress, or political gridlock, or how litigious we are. I have this terrible feeling that even the environment is suffering from our lack of trust.

And, I have trust issues. I’ve tried to learn how to take care of myself. This has been hard to learn. As I have grown older I have gotten better at it. I eventually shifted my gaze from others (my distrust of them) to myself (my distrust of me). Growing more solid with, and truly befriending myself, has been difficult, but this has reduced some of the distrust in my world. Learning all that trusting myself entailed, has made a big difference. Still there is plenty of mistrust. I keep noticing it, which is in part, how I know I still have trust issues.

Learning to trust myself has, in part, to do with noticing the level of distrust inherent in every social system I participate in. I try to notice and respond according to my values. Instead, of letting the level of ambient distrust determine how I act. In some ways this is really good, it gives me more autonomy, and I am able to be more myself, but it also attracts the notice of others, who now distrust me (thinking I want to control them). Usually, this kind of attention is run by fear, and isn’t typically very friendly (see my last Slow Lane piece about the prejudice against leadership). Sometimes any move can be seen as threatening.

I’m not dealing with this very well. That’s what I mean by saying I have trust issues. I don’t trust adequately those who don’t trust me. It isn’t enough to trust myself, to know that I have good intentions. In fact, that seems to just inflame things. My freedom, and the quality of the interaction, depends upon me, but I’m not sure how? I can’t ignore the distrust aimed at me. That would be disrespectful, and avoids the possibility that I might be doing something that warrants distrust. I also know better than take it all personally. I have learned that lesson the hard way. But, what do I do?

I don’t really have a satisfying solution. Learning to trust myself makes many trust issues more soluble, but that has only earned me more challenging trust issues. Right now, I have the possibility of learning. I’m grateful for that. It may be learning while under fire, but I’m still learning, and it just might be I need to learn how to deal with the distrust that comes toward me firing. I can see that possibility. People have been so hurt by other people. It’s sad. I know that I have hurt my share. Probably, at some point; I have been the one who fired first and asked questions later. Maybe, I still am.

I have trust issues. In some ways, I’m not surprised. I am a human being; I live in a sea of frothing relationships. I’m not responsible for all of them, but they all affect me. The waves wash into, and sometimes over me. To stay afloat, to be me fully (whatever that is), I’ve got to learn how to be distrust-worthy. Can I stay me, respectfully, even when another sees me totally from their perspective? Or, doesn’t see me at all?

Time only will tell. In the meantime I have trust issues. I guess I’m glad I do. Having them suggests to me that I’m still on the playground, playing, trying to figure out how to make friends, looking for playmates, and discovering a little more about this challenging thing called being human. Probably, not being so good at it, insures that I have plenty of possible playmates.