A few days ago my
honey was in a car wreck. Luckily, she was unhurt. Her car was totaled. The
accident, her reaction to it, and the response of her community, all revealed
to me a lot about resilience that I want to pass on in this piece. There is
nothing like the care that was present at all of these levels. The world hurts
from the absence of this kind of caring, and is far less hospitable and
resilient, because humans are so caught up in the wrong kind of pursuits. I was
amazed to see how much emotional connection and maturity make a difference. I
saw an accident that would have knocked most people out of the box, that would
throw a blanket on their best laid plans, and this would-be trauma, instead
became an affirmation of the importance of emotional connection.
Car manufacturers
have grown a great deal more safety conscious over the recent years. They have
gone so far, as to have engineered vehicle designs that include features that
protect occupants. This has aided drivers and passengers enormously. No doubt,
this kind of planning made a real difference in the situation of my sweetie.
The car crumpled in a designed way, the airbags deployed, and she walked away,
a 75 year-old woman intact, and only shaken. Her story could have been defined
(for days) by the accident, but instead, it has been determined by her
reaction, and the response of those she is connected with. The crumple zone was
extended by a lot of grown-up hearts.
The car behaved
fabulously. It is wrecked, but it converted the energy of collision into
twisted metal, rather than mangled flesh. Even as it passed into a useless form
it performed well. It is fair to say it did what it is supposed to do; it gave
its life for my honey. I am extremely grateful to all who have made this a
reality. She survived the wreck because of the car’s design, but she grew
through the aftermath, because of resilience built into human connection.
She had a bigger
part in what played out than just being the passive victim of an accident. As a
result of her age, and especially her maturity, she was able to complete her
intended journey despite the surprise collision. As she put it, her intended
life was more important than any “drama” (by that I think she means, emotional
reaction) that the accident produced. She had the internal wherewithal to focus
upon her desire, rather than be subject to the emotional shock that such a
circumstance was likely to arouse. She held herself together, and overcame what
could have been a messy loss of equanimity, by relying on her desire, and savvy
about herself. In other words, she could have fallen a part, after a
circumstance that would have warranted it, but didn’t, because she didn’t have
to. She was solid enough to be who she wanted to be. She had her own crumple
zone.
Aiding her was her community.
Another level of the crumple zone that protected her, were the relationships
that surrounded her. In this case, she was connected with folks that were
concerned about her — and knew her well enough — to let her define her own
experience; no one freaked out, they merely supported her. This allowed an
unfortunate collision to become a binding agent that served her and her loved
ones. The accident had a dual role, it affirmed her self-solidity, and increased
the bonds that defined her community. She felt cared for in a very personal and
specific way, and those that cared, got to be involved. A destabilizing event
turned into a resilient collective response. Connection not only held, but was
confirmed by misfortune.
As a
community-builder, as someone who regularly praises the role of caring, it is
heartening to experience just how much resilience lies in our responses to each
other during the misfortunes of life. I know, that this relatively painless event,
has been only relatively painless, because of the quality of caring that it
entailed. My sweetie’s self-love was important, and that was abetted by the
love of those involved. This event is
some of the best evidence that the ties that matter, exist primarily in the
heart.
The auto companies
can’t engineer that, no city or neighborhood can either, because the crumple
zone is only as capable of handling shock as we the people are. We need each
other. (Today, and most likely, in the future.)
The only way to insure this protection, is through growing — our hearts,
spirits, and most importantly, our emotional connections with one another.
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