Higher Power

Writing about the fact of a Higher Power, will no doubt reveal a lot about my limitations. I just hope that such writing will also reveal something of the capabilities that compel me onward. I come to this phenomenon because it makes up, for me, the one resounding characteristic of the spiritual community that I feel part of. I am singularly unimpressed (limitation) by the myriads of religions that tout their divinity. On the other hand, I’m touched by those who have allowed this mysterious magical largeness to be. I like a little mystery in my madness. There is something in not knowing that keeps me from too much hubris. At least I hope so, you tell me. What follows is my bizarre acknowledgement of what is even more bizarre than me.

I want to specifically give my gratitude to the 12-step community. I know of no one who has kept the candle burning, as adeptly, for the mystery that so ably steers us all. There is something of the acknowledgement of powerlessness, that I as a disabled person greatly admire. I’ve never particularly been a twelve-steppper. I’ve been to a few meetings. Mostly, I’ve been touched by the community effort that the 12-step program helps generate. Somehow, Higher Power seems to especially favor the larger body of community, which the 12-step program calls together. So, this is a shout out to all of you, who have kept this fire burning. You have been doing us all a favor.

I don’t know really know what I want to share. I certainly benefit from the awe that comes over me when I dwell on the fact that there seems to be some mysterious intelligence that pays attention to me. I sense that I am cared for. I don’t know why. Nor, do I have a sense, that anything I think I might know, matters much. In some unfathomable way, I am always part of something so enormous that I have no sense of perspective about it.

Sometimes (another limitation), I enter a period of lucidity, where I think I’m being let in on the secrets of the moment. At these times, I like to imagine I’m closer to what holds me so firmly. These are empowering moments.  More likely, what’s happening is, that I am less oblivious of what is always present.  For a while my usual blindness subsides. I suspect that the invisible Presence, that is always around, becomes a little more palpable, because I’ve stumbled into being a little more present myself.

I’m so overwhelmed with gratitude. Something compassionate is paying attention to whether I am paying attention. You know what is really strange to me? I have a sense this something amazing seems to need me. I am some essential piece of the miracle that governs my life. I don’t know if that is good or bad news, but it does seem to explain the gravitas associated with my being here. This life is not entirely mine.

It somehow helps me to think that my existence is a part of some larger existence. I can’t really explain how, but I trust it. In some unexplainable way, what seems like a larger being, has me as a part of it. In other words, it, whatever it is, extends all the way into this realm, as little old me. I get helped along, and I experience what I experience, as a part of some larger drama.

Anyway, I don’t understand any of this, yet every now and again, I have a feeling, experience, or someone says something to me, that I notice, but don’t get the significance of right away, that lets me know something else, something pertinent to my being, is going on here. I am, as a result, baffled and beguiled.

I like and hate being part of a mystery I don’t get. I feel like an actor doomed to improvise in a play he knows nothing about. There is a certain amount of freedom in this situation, and, a lot of suspense, but no conclusion (at least not yet). On the other hand, no one will ever do the part better or worse than me (no doubt, that’s a limitation too).

Of course, I’m speculating about all of this. My guess, is as good as yours. The truth apparently, is above my pay-grade — most likely, yours too. Still, I can’t help but wonder.

The most satisfying, and compelling, thing about my existence, is that I am being kept here by something that is a mystery. I find that realization, delightful and humorous. I hope you are doing so, as well. The world seems to be shaking down to its very foundations, and I am slowly filling up with more and more of a sense of wonder. I have a sense that they are related, but wonder just makes more visible the signs associated with mystery unfolding this drama. I think I suffer from being ignorant, in a wiley, human sort of way.