Freedom Frays

When I used to work with groups desiring a more connective experience, I would sense how much hurt was present in a group. There is always a lot of pain, mistrust, fear and anxiety. Often, it feels as though the social field of any group is laden with hurt — that such a group could be additionally hurtful in any instant. To be effective, to have any hope, of helping a group be all it could be, I would first have to deal with the amount of hurt present. I can’t say I do a bang up job of it. I am learning.

At the time I thought that the best way to describe the confusion, heartache and mistrust that thwarted well-meaning groups of people was to attribute it to what I called “the Babel Effect.” My sense was that a lot of the confusion and heartache occurred because the group members were at different developmental levels. I was well-enough versed in developmental theory, to grasp that the people who made up the group, had inadvertent problems communicating with each other. They lived in different developmental realities, and even though they all spoke what seemed to be the same language, they really understood each other quite differently. They each interpreted each other through the linguistic lens of their own complexity. Their best efforts generated more invisible differences than they knew — and could deal with.

At the time, this normal occurrence in group life, seemed to account for many of the problems groups are having bonding. I still believe this is one of the real complications that groups have to overcome. Now, however, I recognize another reason many people have trouble functioning in a group context. Many folks have painful and disturbing memories of complex interactions that have happened within past significant associations (like family or friends).

Group life is complex. I think it is fair to say that it is the level of complexity of social interaction that we humans are capable of, which determines much of the complexity of our consciousness. Certainly, one of our main survival strengths, has been our capacity to coordinate. In this age, given our penchant for believing ourselves separate beings, it would be difficult to believe that we are social animals.  But, because we are social animals, we are endowed with the interactive capacities we need to successfully coordinate. If you looked around much, however, this fact is not evident.

There are a host of factors that make it difficult for we humans to cooperate with one another. Surprisingly, it is our freedom loving nature that provides one of the most persistently heartbreaking difficulties of human social life. The more people who end-up interdependently connected, meaning who rely on each other for a specific outcome, the greater the likelihood that they are going to get in each other’s way. Not because they are ill-willed, or dysfunctional, but because each, in their own way, is acting in the way that insures their own freedom. They get in each other’s way— hurting, disappointing and threatening each other — in the pursuit of control, conformity, autonomy, and spontaneity. They act in the way they do, to preserve their own survival. The instinct for autonomy (freedom) is a powerful driver of human behavior.

In other words the struggle to maintain the self makes groups a treacherous place to be. Growing up almost everyone has had some difficulty holding on to their own sense of self. Doing this is harder in groups. Even friendly, loving and supportive groups can be demanding and intolerant. Most people, in this individualistic culture, are not prepared to take care of themselves in a group situation. Thus, in their scramble to avoid discomfort, and the other pressures of social life, they inadvertently dis, fight with, or avoid, others who have the same intent.

The social arena, particularly group life, is an arena where all of the tactics people have for insuring their freedom to be themselves get played out. This hubbub of self-protection makes group life tumultuous, and to some people, very dangerous. Interestingly, it is the paradoxical nature of Life, that dictates the best way to learn how to withstand these pressures, is to immerse oneself within them. Group life is often the last place where one chooses to develop them selves. It is not because group life is so fraught (it is), it is because group life, if one can learn how to occupy it, mirrors so accurately what is needed to really be completely self-possessed. A good dose of group life, is a great finishing school for growth and self-development.

I don’t know how it is for you, but I know that for me, the realization that a significantly difficult aspect of group life, in this case, the chaos that always attends group transition, always originates in such self-protective patterns of behavior, heightens my awareness of group behavior, and deepens my compassion for being human. Belonging, something that seems like it should be easy turns out to be so hard. Life refines us humans, and often uses other humans to help it do it. How ingenious! And, how frustrating!

Both/and not either/or! Wow!